We Believe In The Future:

Problems & Solutions for Today's Blended Families

By Robin Kaminski, Parents' Source, November 20, 1998.

Years ago, "The Brady Bunch" and "Eight is Enough" were the television versions of divorced and blended families. I remember daydreaming about how wonderful and cozy their lives appeared, as step-children and step-parents worked together to create a happy family. Although they had their trials and tribulations, the programs always ended "happily ever after". Unfortunately, that was television. In the "real world", today's statistics indicate that the United States has the highest divorce rate in the world. Half of all mar-riages end in divorce, as do two-thirds of all second marriages. This means that over one million children are affected by divorce annually.

To say that divorce isn't difficult for children is like saying that marriage is easy. But the blow is softened when parents who slip off their wedding bands don't replace them with boxing gloves. When couples part, it is still possible to raise their children in two households as co-parents, as well as in blended families when adults marry partners with children of their own. In these cases, it is important for parents to remember that in addition to the normal developmental milestones, their children will be experiencing a set of circumstances specific to divorce, co-parenting, and blended families. Understanding these circumstances gives parents some direction in helping their children do more than just cope with the pain, chaos, and stress that come with divorce. Researchers now view conflict, rather than divorce, as the single most critical factor of a child's post-divorce adjustment. David Kaplan, Director of Counseling at Alfred University in New York states, "The key to any healthy post-divorce relationship is civility. Often times, couples mistakenly believe that they have to be friends for the sake of the children, but most counselors note that a civil, almost busines-like relationship is best, especially if your relationship with your ex-spouse is not positive."

Holidays and transition periods, such as grad-uations and marriages often compound the situation. Following is a list of practical planning suggestions parents in co-parenting and blended families can follow during the holiday season. Remember, these techniques are useful if modified all year long.

1. Consider your hopes for the holiday season the times with and without the children. Have several acceptable versions, and be flexible!
2. Present these ideas to the other parent. If you do not communicate well, use the mail. Give the other parent time to think about your proposals and respond.
3. Try to plan your holiday times well in advance. Two months' notice is not too much.
4. Whether you talk in person or by phone, follow up your understanding of the conversation with a brief and informal note of confirmation. When emotionally laden post-divorce holidays tangle with practical matters such as dates, plans, expenses, and responsibilities, written confirmation is essential.
5. Be very specific when making plans. Decide which parent will have the children on which days and for how long, make transportation arrangements, etc. Remember, the holiday season is the perfect time to fan the anger and resentments from the past, and to re-ignite unfinished emotional business.
6. Use caution when considering sharing holidays under one roof just like old times. This often becomes painful for the adults, and can be misleading to children who harbor hopes for a reconciliation, as most children do.
7. Splitting the children between the parents has many drawbacks. Obviously, feelings of favoritism and rejection surround the parent who chooses which child will be with them. There is also the poignant reality that the children will not only miss the other parent, but each other as well.
8. Having two holidays for the children is often a positive solution for the parents, as long as plans are predetermined and agreed upon in advance. This arrangement proves to the children that they have two homes, and cements new family rituals and holiday customs. Don't worry about spoiling the children. More is better in this case, and they will be delighted with the double ritual.
9. For parents, holiday time can bring on a resurgence of old memories and some wistful feelings, especially when they are surrounded by happily married families. This can be especially true if it is not their turn to be with the children. Weigh the alternatives, and consider making plans for the day, if you dread the togetherness at the relatives' house. But avoid being completely alone. Plan a vacation with friends, or do something special for yourself.
10. Finally, do not "surprise" the other parent or the kids. Remember, your time with
    the children is your own, and your children's time with the other parent is equally private.

There are many resources available to parents of divorced and blended families.

• Marriage and family counselors address the long-term issues associated with divorce, and now offer post-divorce counseling.
• Mediation and psycho-educational programs provide tools for learning how to communicate with the other parent and their children.
• Bookstores offer a wealth of information on parenting, divorce, step-families, etc.
• Women's Counseling Services has a listing of books that we find useful for children and families that we would be happy to mail you.

Remember, while marriages sometimes end, families do not. The role of a parent is lifelong. For two-home families, it is important to develop a "working and civil relationship", where parents can communicate, make plans, and control their feelings. Two homes and two families can work, as you gain the knowledge, resources, and solutions to providing the best possible environments for your children. Happy Holidays!

Robin Kaminski is the Executive Director at Women's Counseling Services of Berks Co., Inc., who offers a variety of classes and support groups on coping skills as it relates to divorce. (See The Parenting Connection for dates and times.)

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