Helping to Build High Self-Esteem in Your Children

By Arlette Wright, Parents' Source, March 20, 1999

When parents are asked what are the most important qualities and values they would want their children to have, self-esteem is definitely one of the most important qualities they voice. We hear a lot about self-esteem these days. Webster's Dictionary defines self-esteem as the confidence or satisfaction one has with oneself. Children learn self-esteem through the responses they get from others, their interactions with others, and the messages they receive from watching others, particularly their parents. As parents, our everyday encounters with our children give us opportunities to either build their self-esteem or diminish it.

Building high self-esteem for your child is like building a house with a strong foundation. Self-esteem is critical to a child's life and the direction of their life. Having a healthy sense of self-worth, that is, self-esteem, goes a long way in providing children with a strong inner direction. Parents play a crucial role in establishing a sound foundation for a child's self-esteem and for nurturing their self-esteem as they mature.

Children grow. As children grow, they develop and learn through example and experience. Parents serve as role models for their children through their behaviors, relationships, and patterns of communication that leave a lasting imprint on their children. The ways in which parents live out their lives create the patterns of their children's lives. If each family member is treated with respect and dignity, kindness, openness and honesty, then children learn how to be respectful, kind, open, and honest, all of which contribute to building a high self-esteem. It is not only in how we treat others, but how we treat ourselves that our children learn lessons in building self-esteem. Take a moment and think of the ways in which you model the quality of self-esteem to your children. Ask yourself "How am I building high self-esteem qualities for my children?"

Another tool that helps to build high self-esteem in children is the listening tool. When we listen attentively to our children, what we are saying to them is "you count," or "what you have to say is important enough for me to give you my undivided attention." Listening to our children requires an open mind. An open mind enables us to hear what it is they are thinking and saying. Truly listening allows us to silence our own internal chatter that might judge what is being said, or might draw conclusions from what is being said. When we truly listen to what our children have to tell us, we create a special moment to build their self-esteem. Children will feel valued and important when they know they will be heard without judgment. Children will learn how to solve their own problems when they have a chance to verbalize their thoughts. The next time your child comes to you, take the time to truly listen to what they have to tell you. Despite the busyness of our days, when we truly listen, we make a lasting investment in our children's lives.

Every encounter we have with our children gives us an opportunity to build high self-esteem in our children. The everyday messages we give our children can either build them up, making them feel valued and important, or the message we give them can belittle, demean, or damage their self-worth. You know the difference between the two kinds of messages, because one delivers love, and the other delivers hurt. Before the words come tumbling out of our mouths, we should take a moment and think, "Am I about to say something that will hurt my child?" The messages we give our children are yet another building block in building high self-esteem in our children.

Self-esteem is nurtured when parents model the qualities and values they want their children to have. When we truly listen to our children, and provide them with loving messages, self-esteem grows. A gentleman I know once said, "There is nothing better to do than grow a kid." Building high self-esteem in our children is one of the most valuable gifts we can give them. As parents, we can be assured that this is a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Arlette Wright, certified facilitator for the Parenting from the Heart workshops at the Reading Hospital and Medical Center.

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