Roadblocks to Communication

What keeps us from talking with our kids

By Michael Breneman, Parents' Source, September 20, 2000

Haven't we all noticed that as our kids grow up we seem to be able to talk with them less and less? When we talk with our friends and neighbors it always seems that others are able to have reasonable conversations with their kids but we are not. Well, let me tell you, not everyone is so fortunate. What makes the difference between those who can and those who can't "really talk" with their kids?

Most important is the atmosphere that we provide, one that is open rather than closed, one that says, "I really care about what you have to say." This atmosphere can only be created by allowing time for sharing thoughts, ideas and feelings in a "free and open space", one without judgment. There are "roadblocks" to such sharing. Although they apply to any conversation, children seem to be most vulnerable to each of them. What follows is a list of the twelve most dangerous roadblocks taken from "Parent Notebook" by Thomas Gordon. The first two are easily recognized as blocks to communication.

• Name-calling, ridiculing or shaming, ("Don't be a crybaby!")
• Withdrawing, distracting, humoring or diverting, ("Not at the dinner table.")

The next five place us in a power position with our children, and rob them of their own power.

• Ordering, directing or commanding, ("You must")
• Warning, admonishing or threatening, ("If you don't, then")
• Moralizing, preaching or obliging, ( "You should")
• Advising, giving suggestions or solutions, ("Why don't you")
• Judging, criticizing, disagreeing, or blaming, ("You're just being lazy")

The next three seem on the surface to be very helpful but hidden within is the trap of ignoring the "feelings" of our children.

• Persuading, arguing, instructing or lecturing, ("Here is why you're wrong")
• Interpreting, analyzing or diagnosing, ("What you need is")
• Probing, questioning or interrogating, ("Why?")

As a matter of fact, using questions is often a primary mode of communication for parents. Often our questions put kids on the spot or carry hidden demands rather than true concern. The final two are the sneaky pair. They imply that "I know what is good and what is bad. I can give praise or I can withhold it."

• Praising, agreeing, evaluating positively, ("You're a good boy when you")
• Reassuring, sympathizing, consoling or supporting, ("It's not so bad")

Many of us have heard of "reflective listening". This is a technique that is used to help people "open up" and express themselves more readily. It is a good way to fend off the roadblocks that we all find ourselves using in our conversations with our kids. At the core of this method of listening is the use of "paraphrasing". Stated most simply, this is the technique of repeating back to the speaker the content of what was said only using our own words rather than "parroting" the same sentences. This is accomplished by allowing the speaker to make a full statement without interruption. When she finishes the statement, we process the statement for understanding then respond with all the key elements that we heard.
For example, note the following exchange:

"I can't stand my teacher. She shouts all the time and makes us put our heads on our desks if she doesn't like what we are doing. I can't stand her and I don't want to go to class tomorrow."

A reflective response might go something like this:

"You really don't like being yelled at by your teacher and then being made to put your head down. It makes it hard to want to go to class." This closes the "feedback loop', and assures our child that we heard and understand what she is saying.

Another method known as, "active listening", which takes reflective listening to the next level. Active listening demands that we not only reflect the content of what we hear, but we concentrate on reflecting the feelings that we both hear and don't hear. This requires that we often read between the lines. In other words, "Please hear what I'm not saying." What follows might be an Active Listening response to the previous message. "It really upsets you when your teacher yells. It's frustrating to have to put your head down on the desk. It's so upsetting that sometimes you'd rather stay home than feel so hurt."

It takes a great deal more time and energy to formulate "active listening" responses than to use the roadblocks we are so accustomed to using. Yet the rewards are great. Our children are not our own. They are gifts that are on loan to us for such a very short time. When we recognize this we are much more willing to make more time for them. Then we can create an atmosphere of a "free and open space" without judgment.

Michael Breneman is an associate member of CONTACT Lancaster, a helpline for people in crisis.

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