Using Mother-Father Parenting Style Differences to Your Advantage

By Beverly W. Munsing, L.S.W., Parents' Source, July 20, 1999

Every night, just before bedtime, I hear raucous laughter coming from my sons' room. Guess who is behind all the laughter? Dad, of course. He's probably telling "fart jokes", or telling some "manly" stories. Or, maybe he is reading to my 11 and 13 year old sons about pirates, or sailing ships, or war stories from some bygone war. And what am I doing? It seems like I'm always trying to clean up the kitchen.

I used to be jealous of the special relationship that my husband and boys share during that time before bed. After all, from the kitchen, it sounds like such fun. So periodically, when Dad is out of town, I've tried reading to them. But my voice was just not made for telling endless stories. Nor do I have any interest in telling jokes about bodily functions. War stories would only keep me awake all night.

But then, I have those precious moments when it is ME to whom my boys come for comfort, or to try to work out some school problem. I am the "listener" in the family, and Dad has no patience for school work.

Each of us has our own special qualities, strengths, and weaknesses. One of our jobs, as parents, is to discover our own strengths, blend them with those of our spouse (or the other parent of our children), and use them for our kids.

Conditioning Most of us learned our parenting styles from our own parents. Many of us were lucky, but many were not. It's hard to unlearn those patterns, unless we work at it. Often we just assume that the way we were raised is the only way. Then we marry someone who has a totally different style, and neither of us realize it until the first big incident.

Spanking is probably the hottest issue left over from the last generation. One parent might say, "My parents spanked me, and I'm OK." But perhaps the other parent was spanked too, and remembers being terrified, shamed, and resentful.

Cooperation Spanking is certainly an emotional issue to discuss with your spouse, but you might both also want to go to the experts your kids! Tell them that you are very concerned about their behavior, and you'd like their cooperation. Ask their opinion about spanking. Propose a contract whereby the parents might agree not to spank, and the kids agree to take Time Out in their room, or some other compromise which is agreeable to all.

Compromise Parents with different preferred methods of discipline need to discuss and explore alternate methods of discipline. Grounding and Time Out work well for decreasing negative behavior, and praise and rewards increase positive behavior. "But," you say, "there are days when everything seems to be going wrong! How can I praise them under those circumstances?" Good question. Sometimes it 's hard to see the good behavoir. Especially if we are stressed out from work, chores, financial pressure, etc. That's the perfect opportunity to look to the strengths of the other parent. You can "cry uncle", and not be ashamed, because you are really trying to benefit your child, not to dump work on the other parent. Maybe this is a moment when their parenting style, or at least their objectivity of the moment, can rescue you.

Communication During interactions with their children, both parents need to ask themselves, "Is what I am communicating positive? Is my child going away from our interaction feeling good about himself?" Effectively communicating with the children, and one another, is an important step in blending parenting styles.

Consistency One way you can help your child hear words of encouragement from you, is to always be consistent in your expectations and demands. If you are consistent, your children will know what to expect. If you praise them for doing what you wish, they will feel good about themselves, which translates into high self-esteem.

As parents, we want to raise our children using each parent's strong points, and avoiding our own weaknesses. We want our kids to feel proud of themselves. We need to give them consistent boundaries, so they know what is expected of them to receive our approval. Our children need to know that both parents love and are proud of them.

Consultation When two parents fail to see eye-to-eye on an issue, the recommended course of action is to listen to one another, and care enough about the other person's feelings to make a compromise. It's not always easy. The two parents may want to consider consulting a third party. Perhaps a neutral family member would be in a position to offer advice on a topic of dissention. There are many other valuable resources available throughout the community. Local bookstores offer a wealth of information on parenting skills. There is also a variety of informative parenting classes which are open to the public.

Combine Our job now is to discover each parent's strengths, be it a sense of humor, an abundance of patience, and ability to encourage your child in sports, a particular skill at boosting your child's ego through encouragement, or a hobby that you can share. Also, think about where you should let the other parent step in, because of some particular quirk in your own personality make-up, where they may be stronger.

It's kind of like baking a cake. Chocolate is wonderful, but if your only ingredient is chocolate, your cake won't rise. At best, parenting is a blend of two (or more) people's strengths and styles, to encourage, set limits, and praise a child, to help them grown into a confident, rule-abiding adult. And if that adult has good self-esteem, they will choose a worthy partner to be their spouse, and to help parent their own children.

Beverly W. Munsing is a Licensed Social Worker with Peter H. Thomas, Ph.D. and Associates, located on Penn Avenue in Wyomissing. She is the mother of two boys. Information on her Parenting courses is available through her office.

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