How Kids Cope With Divorce

By Jane Harrington, Parents' Source, July 20, 2000

Will my children survive divorce and become the loving competent adults I wish them to be? With over 1 million children each year living in separated or divorced families, many parents are asking this question. In this country, we tend to move like a pendulum from one extreme to the other. When divorce laws were first liberalized, it was thought that kids would be upset for a short while, but would soon resume life as usual. Recently, the pendulum has swung over to the other side, and parents are told that all children of divorce will be profoundly damaged. The truth, of course, lies somewhere in between. Divorce is a major life trauma for kids. However, most kids learn the skills to cope with this new life style.

Parents who are able to continue to love and support the children, find that their kids are able to rebound and develop as well as kids in traditional families. The single most important determiner of a child's successful adjustment is the parents' ability to create a nurturing, protective environment with at least one parent. Lucky children will be able to maintain positive relationships with both Mom and Dad.

Parents caught in constant battle with each other have reason to fear for their children's future. Research has shown that the children who are most harmed by divorce are those whose parents are unable to stop fighting with each other. When children are caught between two warring parents, they develop unhealthy coping strategies, which negatively impact upon their development.

Regardless how peaceful your separation is, all children will experience a sense of loss when their parents separate and will go through the stages of grief: denial, depression, bargaining, anger, and acceptance. Initially, the children may deny to themselves and others that this separation is permanent. Later you may observe the children having trouble eating and/or sleeping, withdrawing from friends, crying, etc., all signs of depression. They may bargain by offering perfect behavior if you only get back together. Anger may be displayed by temper tantrums, trouble at school, fighting, etc. Once they begin to resume their usual life with appropriate behavior, you will know that they have reached acceptance. All of these stages are normal. Children may move through them in different order and revisit certain stages at different developmental points in their lives.

What can you do as parents to help your children through this difficult period? First of all, you need to utilize your best "listening" skills. Listening means really paying attention, hearing and understanding what your children say. No lectures or scolding. Your first goal is to understand your child's feelings. Often kids just want to know that it is okay to feel sad or angry. Once you hear what your child is feeling, then you need to help your child find constructive ways to deal with these feelings.

If you have identified that your child is angry, you can do many activities with them to promote expression of this feeling which will help them release the feeling.

• Clay is a wonderful medium as it can be rolled and pushed and made into a variety of shapes to represent the person with whom the child is angry. Then the creation can be smashed, cut up, etc.
• Physical activity is a wonderful release. Together you can run, wrestle, race bikes, shoot hoops, etc. always with you as the adult ensuring safety limits and talking afterward about feelings.
• Younger children find puppets a great way to tell a story and share feelings with just the right amount of "disguise".
• Books can be helpful when teaching young children how to accept anger. Be sure that you have read the book first to ensure that the messages are those you find meet your family values. Talk to your local librarian for suggestions.
• Older children can use journals or letter or story writing as a way to express themselves.

For the child who is experiencing depression or intense sadness, drawing pictures of past family times, both good and not so good, can open realistic discussions. Looking at pictures of those times, sharing memories of before the divorce, will help children to view both the past and present realistically. Again books may be helpful with younger children. Writing a "Therapeutic Letter" to both parents about how they feel may help the older child. These letters are not mailed or shared. The purpose is solely to enable the child to express his feelings.

Do these suggestions just seem to be adding more work for you, the already overwhelmed parent? Please do not try to do everything alone. It is important at a time when you are feeling most vulnerable yourself, to bring in all of the other helpers with whom your child may have contact. Don't hesitate to ask for help from relatives, friends, neighbors, teachers, coaches, clergy, anyone your child admires and looks up to.

If you have tried all these suggestions, and still feel your child needs more, where do you turn? For the school age child, the school counselor may be the first source of help. For the preschooler, look for a psychologist or counselor with training and credentials in play therapy. Women's Counseling Services offers a small group experience KidsCope (see details in Just for Kids section). Expect that you, the parents, will become an important part of the therapy as well. After all you are the most important two people in your child's life.

Will your children survive divorce and become the loving competent adults you wish for them? Much depends on you and the positive example you give them. As you grow, so will they.

Jane Harrington is a Counselor at Women's Counseling Services of Berks Co., Inc., which offers individual counseling plus support groups on coping with divorce. (See the Parenting Connection section for dates and times.)

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