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Boundaries That Teach

This is the fourth article in a six part series on the virtues of Building Assets by Rachel M. Loeper, Parents' Source, March 20, 2002.

"Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them." - Lady Bird Johnson, First Lady to Lyndon B. Johnson, 1963-1969

It is important for young people to know what is expected of them, for these expectations to be high, and for them to know whether specific activities and behaviors are acceptable. The "Boundaries and Expectations" assets are not about punishment. The Latin word for discipline means "to teach," and these assets are about teaching what's admirable and what's not; what's appropriate and what's inappropriate; what's worthwhile and what's not.This is the fourth of six Parents' Source articles profiling the 40 Developmental Assets. The assets are the foundation upon which Healthy Communities/Healthy Youth initiatives are being built throughout the United States and Canada, including our initiative in Berks County.

Did you know?

According to a recent nationwide survey of more than 218,000 students in grades 6-12, 53 percent say they either have enough or too much freedom, 35 percent think it's OK for parents to block violent or offensive content on TV, and 30 percent support restrictions on teens' Internet access.The survey also found that about half of the students support nighttime community curfews for teens.

In another survey of 600 youth ages 12-17, 49 percent feel that most kids their age need more guidance and attention from adults.

Let's get started!!!

• If your child is still a toddler, begin simple instructions immediately. Teach him what is appropriate behavior in different settings (inside vs. outside, playtime vs. dinnertime, playing with adults vs. playing with babies). Play simple games with rules.
• Encourage the "Family Boundaries" asset by allowing children and teenagers to help make the house rules. Post the guidelines in a location where everyone can see them. Negotiate new rules as children get older. Be patient as teenagers test boundaries, and make compromises when possible. Talk to teenagers about their future and what boundaries are necessary to meet their goals.
• Never allow minor transgressions to ruin the relationship between you and your child or teenager. Save harsh reprimanding for issues of strong moral conviction, and always remember to reinforce your own love and support for them.
• When someone breaks the rules, there should be reasonable, logical consequences, that are agreed upon ahead of time.
• Hang a message board on your refrigerator to avoid crossing lines of communication. Use it to write messages ("Family Dinner. Thursday. Be there" or "I'm going to visit Aunt Jane, so you're on your own for dinner. Love, Mom"). Your kids can also use it to tell you where they are.
• Through involvement with your children's schools, you can reinforce the "School Boundaries" asset. If a child's teacher asks that students spend two hours per night on homework or reading for leisure, you can only reinforce this rule at home if you know about it.
• Host a barbecue or block party, and discuss the "Neighborhood Boundaries" asset. Examples: Respect people and property, report suspicious activity, supervise children under 16, end parties by 11 p.m. Publish the boundaries in a one-page newsletter and distribute it door-to-door to the kids in your community
• Speak with other adults in your child's life about boundaries. Consistency in all aspects of a child's life will make it easier for him to remember what's in-bounds and what's not.
• Talk to your child about who she admires. Suggest going to a concert, lecture, or out to dinner with her and the person she admires and you will be promoting the "Adult Role Models" asset.
• Invite kids to create posters against drug and alcohol use and/or violence. Publish the names of contest winners and honor students in the local newspapers. Encourage the media to profile young people who are making a difference, and you will be impacting the "Positive Peer Influence" asset.
• Encourage your child to take things apart! Old toys, clocks, and household appliances are great lessons, and you don't have to worry about putting them back together! Don't forget about safety. By nurturing curiosity in boys and girls, you will begin to raise their expectations of themselves and inspire the "High Expectations" asset.

Let's Talk About It (Discuss boundaries and expectations with your children and their friends.) 1. Does your family have clear rules and consequences? Do your parents know where you are at all times? 2. Does your school provide clear rules and consequences? 3. Do your neighbors seem interested in what you do? 4. Who are your role models, and are they positive influences? What is a good role model? 5. Are your friends a good influence? Do they steer clear of alcohol and drugs? 6. Do the adults and young people you spend the most time with expect you to succeed in life?

Hopefully, these questions will lead to others that will help you to get to know your children and their friends better, and also give you insight into ways you can set clear, reasonable boundaries for the young people in your life.

Remember, you are your child's first role model. Even though other people in your child's life will have roles in reinforcing boundaries and nurturing expectations, you will be the first to instill in them the idea - the truth - that they can accomplish absolutely anything. Plant this truth as a seed, reinforce it throughout their lives, and you will undoubtedly be surprised at what blossoms.

A complete list of the 40 assets can be found on Parentssource.com. This article was submitted by Rachel M. Loeper of the Healthy Communities/Healthy Youth Initiative at United Way of Berks County. For more information on the 40 assets and the local HCHY initiative, contact Sharon Mast at the United Way, 610-685-4574 or sharonm@uwberks.org.

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