Helping Children Cope with Death   

By Judy Klemek

Americans tend to live in a death-denying/death-defying society. We’re even afraid to use the “D” word—preferring instead to say “passed away” or “passed on”.

But death does happen—and not only to the old and infirm. Daily, we hear or read about the death of a child, teen or young family from auto accidents, house fires, street violence or drug abuse. School-age children have seen classmates collapse and die from a previously undiagnosed physical defect. And despite medical advances, young adults and children still succumb to cancer and other chronic, endstage diseases.

In the past, we sheltered children from the reality of death—excluding them from family funerals and shielding them from grieving adults. Now, current psychological studies reveal that including children at family funerals and exposing them to the grieving process can actually prevent them from having an abnormal fear of death and dying. Those same studies note, however, that you should never force a child to attend or participate in a funeral or memorial service. Give him or her the opportunity to choose.

Children exposed to a terminally ill family member who has chosen to remain at home with help from an organization like hospice confront death and dying in a controlled, comfortable environment which allows them time and space to understand and begin to anticipate and grieve the individual’s loss. It is an experience that enables most youngsters to learn and grow - especially if they’re encouraged to express their feelings and provide care and support in whatever way they’re able.

Simplicity and truth are key to helping children cope with death - whether dealing with the death of family members, friends or from a widely-televised national tragedy like 9/11.

Use language appropriate to the child’s age or level of understanding; and above all, be truthful!  Children sense when adults are not being honest and will often fill in the blanks with their own fertile imaginations.

If the person died from an illness, be certain to differentiate between “minor” and “fatal” illness so that the child doesn’t equate having a cold, sore throat or other self-limiting illness with dying. Never use euphemisms like “they’re sleeping,” which can make a child fear falling asleep. And avoid statements such as “God needed another angel for his choir” which could make the child jealous because God didn’t choose them; or the reverse - make the child fear a God who could decide to take them too.

When answering a child’s question, try to understand what they’re asking. If they ask “What is it like to die?”…respond with “What do you think it’s like?” That gives the child a chance to say what they’re thinking without giving them more information than they want - which is usually only a simple fact or statement. Above all, don’t judge children who can’t sit still and manifest grief like an adult. Allow them to express themselves in their own way, which often may be through activity like play.

If you’re too emotional to respond to the child, be honest and tell him that you can’t talk now, but will share with him later. Children can more easily share your feelings of grief than deal with feeling rejected by you.

If a child says something strange, don’t correct or tell her to be quiet. You can acknowledge her feelings, perceptions or reactions to death without necessarily agreeing with them. Children also need to know that death is not a punishment, and be reassured that they didn’t cause it by something they said or did.

A child’s perspective of death changes as he matures, and his ability to understand and cope with the permanence of death evolves as he grasps the concept of time and begins thinking more logically. Don’t be surprised, for example, if a child who has lost a parent as a toddler, begins to revisit or grieve that parent’s death when he reaches school age and begins to notice his friends’ relationship with their parents.

Children 2 years old and under are primarily dependent on non-verbal communication.

Children ages 3 to 5 tend to view death as temporary - as sleep or a journey from which one can awaken or return. Young children who experience the death of a parent, older sibling or other caregiver are struck by the fact that someone who used to be there for them is absent - making them feel lonely, insecure and deprived. Reassure them that someone will always be there to love and care for them.

Children ages 5 to 10 realize that death is irreversible, but have difficulty imagining that they, their family or friends will die. Although they may feel angry about the death, they’ll have difficulty talking about it. At this age, death becomes real and personal, so that a child who may have expressed anger toward the deceased might feel guilty as if those thoughts caused the death. They may also be angry at their loved one for leaving them. Adults, therefore, need to listen to a child; non-judgmentally allow them to express their feelings; and reassure them that they were loved by the person who died.

Youngsters ages 10 through adolescence also realize that death is irreversible, but are more curious about its biological aspects and aware of its social implications. This age group may be troubled by thoughts of their own death (some more than others); and some may even view death as punishment for a wrong committed.

“Loneliness is the most difficult aspect of loss for children as well as adults.” Above all - be there! Be available to and supportive of the child; provide her with as much consistency as possible; and don’t be afraid to tell or show her that she is loved!

Judy Klemek is Communications/PR Coordinator at PinnacleHealth Hospice.
Judy can be reached at 717-782-2108 or by email at jklemek@pinnaclehealth.org.