Siblings in the House

A Primer on Sibling Rivalry By Elizabeth W. Gonzalez, M.A., R.P.T., Parents' Source, November 20, 2000

"Mommy, put that baby back in there!" exclaimed Lori. What a way to start a relationship! Lori was five years old and did not like the way things were going for her. Sibling rivalry, in some form and degree, is an expected part of family life.

It is a common expression of a child's jealousy, perceived lack of fairness, anxiety and ambivalence towards his or her sibling. Children often make statements reflecting their negative feelings, and display symptoms such as changes in sleeping and eating patterns, tantrums, bowel and bladder problems and acting helpless. These symptoms or reactions are not unique to sibling rivalry.

During normal and healthy development, each child faces many difficult situations that have the potential to produce growth. A child usually has a greater ability to cope with these situations if he is adequately prepared. The most important things to remember in preparing a child for change are to see the situation through the eyes of the child and to include possible negative and ambivalent reactions. The sparks of sibling rivalry can appear before the birth of the sibling, ignite during childhood and adolescence, and smolder into adulthood. Intense sibling rivalry can disrupt family stability for generations. Generally, siblings close in age are in greater competition for the same needs and wants from their parents. This is especially true for a child less than three years old with an infant sibling. Children who are older than three are usually less dependent, have friends and have learned some basic relationship skills. Because they do not depend solely upon their parents to have their needs met, they do not feel they have to be in constant competition with their siblings.

Sibling rivalry is not discriminate. It exists in all types and sizes of families. The intensity of the rivalry can be aggravated by an increase in family stress. Some of the issues that increase family stress are economic and employment problems, health and emotional problems of the children and/or the adults and parental conflict, separation and divorce. Blended families and large family size also add to general family stress. Other crucial elements that effect rivalry intensity are the innate temperament of the children, parent/caretaker emotional and physical availability, and parenting skills.

How does a parent prevent sibling rivalry? Prevention is not necessarily an option, unless your child doesn't have a sibling! As with all facets of life, sibling rivalry exists on a continuum. The intensity of this rivalry can range from mild jealousy to violence. The question really is "What can a parent or caretaker do to keep the rivalry to a minimum and to promote the healthy and positive aspects of rivalry?"

Parents can coach and guide their children through the process of sibling rivalry. First, an overall game plan needs to be established. Within the plan, boundaries need to be laid out. Rules and expectations, as well as consequences and rewards, need to be developed. The two most important elements of the plan are:

• The coach needs to know how to communicate these ideas to the child and,
• The coach needs to be flexible in order to change the plan, boundaries, rules, expectations, consequences and rewards in relation to the changing needs of his children. When sibling rivalry erupts, an adult can intervene and solve the problem, or he can ask his children to solve the problem themselves. By allowing the siblings a chance to solve the problem themselves, if there is no physical danger, they will gain the confidence necessary to solve the next issue that arises.

Sibling rivalry can be minimized when siblings are taught that their brothers and sisters are treated in accordance to their needs and that each child is treated differently at different times. The issue of fairness becomes less important when children do not expect to be treated equally. During this time, the child develops a positive sense of her/his self that will be carried into adulthood.

Most family issues are too broad to be fully explored in a brief article. The subject of sibling rivalry is no exception. In fact, books have been written on the subject. This primer delineates a few sibling rivalry scenarios and several general techniques of working with sibling rivalry. "Siblings Without Rivalry", a book written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, is an excellent source for parents who want to improve their communication skills.

Beth Gonzalez is a Registered Play Therapist. She is the Executive Director and Founder of FairView Counseling, a nonprofit organization that provides counseling to children, adolescents and their families.

Back to Articles Library

[Home Page] [From Holly & Chris] [About Parents' Source] [Advertise in Parents' Source] [Articles] [Child Care, Preschools & Educational Resources] [Family Events Calendar] [Family Net - Internet Links] [Human Services & Support] [Just for Kids] [Kids' Source] [Medical Resources] [The Parenting Connection] [Talk to us - E-mail psource@ptd.net]