Parental Peer Pressure:
It’s Not Just Kids Who Feel the Push to Conform

By: Kathy Sena 

These days, “everybody’s doing it” isn’t being uttered just by pre-teens trying to cajole mom into allowing an unsupervised afternoon at the mall. As the mother of a 10-year-old son who isn’t allowed to see PG-13 movies yet, I’ve had my share of awkward moments when other moms tell me I’m being overprotective:

“Oh, I’ve seen (fill in the blank), and the language and violence aren’t that bad. And the sexual parts just go over their heads, anyway.”

Fortunately, I’m not alone in feeling like the odd mom out at times. “My daughter’s taking dance lessons and I think the moves and the costumes are too sexy for a young girl,” a friend tells me. (Some parents asked that their names not be used here.) “The other moms just laugh and say ‘it’s cute!’ I don’t want to be a prude, but…”

“YOUR MOM WON’T LET YOU DO THAT?”

Sometimes things can get downright pushy. “The mother of one of my son’s friends was very persistent about my son walking from her house to ours alone,” another friend tells me. “It wasn't so difficult for me to say no, but she proceeded to tell my son that ‘It really would be OK, but your mom doesn’t think you’re responsible enough yet.’ Oh, thanks!”

Many parents say they feel like they’re back in middle school themselves as they try to deal with the fallout from being (seemingly, anyway) the lone parent in their group who won’t buy the latest teen-rated (or worse) video game, who won’t let their third-grade daughter make phone calls to boys or who won’t allow their 11-year-old son to hang out on myspace.com.

ASKING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS

It takes a determined effort to not just go with the parenting flow, says Nancy Franklin, who has a 14-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter. “We've developed the very embarrassing habit of calling the parents of our kids’ friends and meeting them face to face,” she says. “We try to get a sense of what goes on at their house. Do the parents stay at home and supervise when their kids have friends over? Are there older siblings? Have the older siblings ever been in trouble? Is the liquor cabinet locked?”

“All tough questions — but we ask them,” adds Nancy’s husband, Joe. Unfortunately, the Franklins are in the minority when it comes to sticking their necks out, according to Susan Newman, Ph.D., social psychologist and author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (McGraw-Hill; 2006). Many parents are afraid of appearing too strict or of not being one of the “cool parents,” she says. “Many parents are so overscheduled, they don’t have time to look into whatever the issue might be.” Newman explains. “It’s often easier to go along with the crowd and not be seen as different or intrusive.”

SWIMMING UPSTREAM

Holding the line on spending is also a challenge when it seems like every parent on the block is buying her kids the latest gadgets. “So many of my sons' friends take their ‘things’ for granted,” says Elizabeth Crane, the mother of two boys, ages 13 and 9. “I live in a pretty affluent place, while I myself am anything but. My kids' friends seem to get whatever they want whenever they want it.” Crane says she feels pressure “to conform to what my peers think is the way to live. My parenting mission is, I think, harder because I spend so much energy going upstream instead of with the current.”

INCREASING STAKES

Parents often feel pressured by other parents to overlook drinking as kids get older, says Newman. But given the tragedies related to underage drinking (not to mention those associated with drugs and early sexual experimentation), parents must rise above the worry about what someone else’s parents may think, she notes. “Concerned parents must be involved, even if they think they will ‘look bad’ in the eyes of other parents or their own children,” says Newman.

Of course, many parents realize the importance of sticking to their guns, even at the risk of being (temporarily, they hope) unpopular. “But even those parents who don’t care so much about being included, liked or thought of as ‘good guys’ do worry that their offspring will be left out or will feel left out. That they’ll be labeled ‘not fun’ because of parental rules and regulations,” says Newman. “But if, as a parent, you feel strongly about the values you want to instill, you will, at times, have to buck the crowd.”

STRENGTH IN NUMBERS

Sometimes we can learn a lot from a parent who has already been down this road: “Over the years, I’ve found it helpful to tether myself to other women who have the same ideas about parenting that I do,” says Ellen Cajka, the mother of a college-aged daughter and another daughter in middle school. “Sometimes it’s more like a lifeline than a tether!” she laughs. “It’s also nice to have other parents to talk with who aren’t necessarily the parents of your kids’ best friends,” she adds, noting that these parents can help you look at the ‘dilemma of the day’ a bit more objectively.

Also, it helps to remember that we’re all human, notes Cajka. “I’ve made mistakes and bent to peer pressure,” she says. “Then I re-evaluate and go on from there. It makes me remember what my daughters go through every day in living with peer pressure in their own lives.”

— Kathy Sena is an award-winning freelance writer who frequently covers parenting topics. Visit her Web site at www.kathysena.com