Multiple Backgrounds, Multiple Blessings

By Brette McWhorter Sember

Over 6.8 million Americans identified themselves as multiracial in the 2000 census.  Even more come from multiethnic backgrounds.  Raising multiracial or multiethnic children in today’s world is easier than ever before, but you are bound to have to deal with uncomfortable situations at some point.  You will also have an opportunity to celebrate differences in a unique way.

Unfortunately, one of the biggest problems faced by multiracial families is prejudice.  The definition of prejudice is ignorance, and raising a multiracial child means that you have to learn how to deal with ignorant people.  Joyce Anthony, a mom in Erie, Pennsylvania experienced her share of prejudice as she and her husband raised their multiracial child.  For example, “there are those who make rather rude remarks to the person they are with, but make sure they are loud enough so you hear.”  Anthony says the best defense is to ignore the rudeness, and she recommends that if parents must comment, “keep your answers short, to the point and refuse to argue.”

Shelly Melville and her husband adopted a child of a different race.  The author of A Family Full of Love, a picture book about transracial adoptions, Melville has found “the most important thing is not to become defensive.  Being defensive often exacerbates whatever prejudices already exist.  It is better to have a vague but planned response, than to be shocked and come back with a rude or sharp comment.”  She also points out that what may come across as meanness may really be inexperience.  “Most people fear the unfamiliar, so if there is prejudice, it is probably due to inexperience on the matter.”

Dr. Daphne Stevens, a marriage and family therapist who teaches classes on multiracial families at Mercer University School of Medicine in Macon, Georgia weighs in.  “Families need to address prejudice openly.  To turn a deaf ear gives the child the idea that he or she is at fault somehow.  The caveat here is that we don’t want to put our children in the middle by being overly confrontational with adults in their presence.”  She also recommends that after a confrontation, you talk it over with your child at home and acknowledge that some adults don’t act very adult sometimes.

Unfortunately for some new parents, the most painful intolerance they encounter comes from their own families and friends.  Anthony coped with this kind of prejudice in a direct way.  “I let them know this was our choice alone to make and I felt I didn’t have to explain my action.”  She says she believes that “true friends will accept them, not as a multiracial family, but simply as a family.”

Dr. Stephens says that some flack from family is probably to be expected even if they have already learned to cope with your marriage or relationship.  “The reality is that any change in a family creates anxiety.  Changes that challenge the old way of doing things can really increase anxiety.”

Don’t assume the worst from your family though.  Peggy Gillespie, co-director of Family Diversity Projects and editor and interviewer for the book, Of Many Colors points out, “Some parents are very upset when their children marry someone of a different race.  In many cases, when grandchildren are born, the prejudice dissolves.”

When you and your partner are from different racial or ethnic backgrounds, you have the opportunity to share the traditions, beliefs, stories, celebrations, and history of both families with your children.  This can be a wonderful and enriching experience for all of you.

Belle Wong of Pickering, Ontario is Chinese and her husband is Caucasian.  She believes, “both parents have to be committed to exposing the children to both cultures or it doesn’t work.  My children like being part Chinese, for them it’s something special.  My husband is very proud of my Chinese heritage and I think this has had a very positive impact on the kids, too.”

Dr. Stephens agrees that it is important to actively teach your children about your cultures and backgrounds.  “All families need to honor the cultural heritage bestowed on their children by each parent.  This includes educating the child about their ancestors’ history, creating religious and other family traditions that incorporate the values of the parents and the ways they have embraced the traditions of their culture.”

As your child grows, it will be up to you to explain and set the tone for his or her own beliefs about multiracial families.  “If you teach your child from day one,” says Anthony, “in both words and actions, that people are people and deserve respect, he will naturally internalize this.”  Wong believes that the parents’ attitudes trickle down to the kids.  “You need to be positive about the multiracial aspect of your relationship as a family.  It’s strange, but my children actually have no concept of race.  They think of skin color much like they think of eye color.” 

Dr. Stephens points out that no matter what you do, your children will have to find a way to cope with the facts they are confronted with.  “Children of bi-racial families will struggle with racial identity. It’s part of their development.  There will be some bumps in the road, but if they are raised by secure, loving parents, they are likely to grow up with great strength and resilience.”

Brette McWhorter Sember is the author of How to Parent with Your Ex (Sourcebooks) and many more titles.  Her web site is www.BretteSember.com.