Heart Beat

By Michael Campbell

Valentine’s Day is the most stressful of holidays if you ask my male friends. Maybe less so for women because most women are convinced they have a God-given gift of gift-giving. They actually like to shop. Men, who will cheerfully invade another country, are terrified of Valentine shopping because, no matter what they do, it will be a bomb.

He can’t buy her a gift card just to get it over with. “Oh,” she’ll say, “I see how much you care!” And she’ll cry. Or, if she’s the type, she’ll bottle it up and then start crying sometime in August, and when he asks her what’s wrong, she’ll bark, “Nothing.”

“But it cost fifty bucks!” he’ll reply, baffled. Dollar value makes sense to guys. No gift has a plainer value than a gift card. A $5 card is five times more meaningful to a guy than a $1 card. Buy a guy a $50 gift card and watch the commitment flags pop up around his head like spring dandelions.

Yet a guy doesn’t judge a woman by her gifts. If it’s a great present, he’ll say “Wow! Cool!” He’ll put it on the mantel. If it’s a stupid present, he’ll say “Wow. Cool.” He’ll put it in the basement. He’ll forget in a week who bought him either one. He won’t burst into tears and say, “I can’t believe you didn’t give me an engagement ring!” Right now in my basement I have four coffee cups with slogans imprinted on them, a rubber-band six-shooter pistol, a glass paperweight with a dead fish in it, and a George Bush bobble-head doll.

Years ago for Valentine’s Day I once presented a girlfriend with an interchangeable-head screwdriver. I thought it was romantic since I didn’t buy one for myself too — that seemed to make it more special. But I got "The Look:" chin lowered, eyes dead as a snake’s. She hissed without a blink, “Girls don’t screwdrive.”

“But look!” I replied with genuine enthusiasm, thinking maybe she didn’t get it, “It  ratchets!” [Enthusiastic demo of ratcheting.] “See?” [Ratchet-ratchet-ratchet…ratchet…pop out #8 Phillips head, pop in #6 hex head…ratchet…ratchet… ratchet…]

[sigh.]

After presenting a five-minute dissertation entitled How Men Don’t Have the Sense To Choose a Meaningful Present, she gave me a heart-shaped jar of rose-scented bath beads. I am six-feet-two and I have not fit in a bathtub since I was eight.

“Wow. Cool.” Basement.

Women do judge you by your presents, and they are hangin’ judges. “Chocolates!? I can’t believe you got me chocolates! You know I’ve been on a diet since New Year’s Day!” (Cries.) Buy her a membership to the gym: “You think I’m fat!” (Cries.) Give her a gift card: “Amy’s boyfriend bought her chocolates!” (Cries.)

Women are wrap artists. They own clear plastic tubs filled with endless colorful wrapping papers, ribbons and tape. Men can design a stealth bomber with a pencil and napkin, but they can’t tie a bow. When those pretty foil gift bags were invented, we thought salvation from the agony of gift-wrapping had come, but women take one look at the pretty sack and knew we just got it over with.

So, my friend asked my advice, “What do you get a woman for Valentine’s Day?”

 “Do something sentimental,” I suggested. “Give her something that you make yourself. It has to take at least an hour, or she’ll think you made it up at the last minute because you forgot it was Valentine’s Day, which you did.” I thought of my past successes and failures. “But if it takes you more than two hours to make, she’ll think you’re a stalker and file a protection order.”

If you women are buying a gift for a guy, go ahead and get a ratcheting multi-headed screwdriver. But you may never know whether he likes a tool-type gift because, either way, he’ll say “Wow! Cool.” and put it in the basement.

Above all, keep this fact in mind: you are taking advice from a single guy.