Letting Go After Divorce

By: Misty Weaver 

You married your soul mate thinking he would be a great parent, and he was, he just wasn’t the best spouse. There are now over one million children going through a new divorce each year. Though the courts are abandoning their once firm stance that mom is always the best parent, it’s often tempting for parents to fight for primary custody to punish for deeds committed during the marriage, even when the ex-spouse is capable and willing to share responsibility.  Studies (and common sense) have shown that keeping both parents in their life is almost always best for the children, so how do you let go of the hurt, communicate effectively, and resolve conflicts so that you can both be great parents?

Counseling – It’s not just for married couples anymore. The circumstances surrounding a divorce often involve anger, betrayal, and even loneliness. Being able to discuss these feelings without bringing them into custody issues is imperative. Jeffrey R. Greene, Ph.D., LPCC from www.familytherapynet.com, says, “When the pain surrounding the divorce is absent or minimal, child-focused parents can work with one another toward the best interest of the child. When the issues that contributed to the divorce are unresolved, then co-parenting becomes challenging to impossible. One or both of the parents that may be struggling with feelings of failure, resentment, values differences, anger and other self-defeating feelings, would be wise to use the opportunity to establish a relationship with a therapist that can facilitate a change in their thoughts and feelings. Moving past old hurts requires letting go of one’s desire to seek revenge, minimize self-indulgence and stay focused on the needs of the child.”

Communication – While it’s tempting to keep telling your ex-spouse exactly how you were hurt, it isn’t going to change what happened to the marriage. According to Greene, “For ex-partners to get past distractions to their new mission of making joint decisions that meet their child’s needs without indulging in romps through a painful memory lane, the co-parents would be wise to establish rules or boundaries with regard to their interactions. When the co-parents have a healthy post marital relationship, their rules can be somewhat loose and ill defined. When the ex-partners are still embroiled in their pain or legal action, the rules and boundaries need to be explicit.”

It’s common sense to keep adult conversations away from the children, but often difficult in the heat of the moment. Scheduled phone calls after the kids are in bed, lunch meetings in a public setting, and even e-mail communication can all save children the added discomfort of hearing negativity. E-mail gives you several added advantages as well, such as the backspace button for those times when you stray off the topic at hand, written verification for schedule changes or other child centered requests, and the ability to prepare yourself for the interaction rather than being blindsided by a phone call during dinner.

Separate Custody and Child Support – It’s no surprise money is often a point of contention in marriage and becomes an even bigger contention in divorce. While the amount of support the primary parent obtains from the co-parent is important, the interaction of both parents is what will build secure, strong children. Studies show that children growing up in fatherless homes are at greater risk for drug abuse, behavioral problems, suicide, dropping out of school, and are more likely to get in trouble with the law. Writing a check isn’t a substitute for fathers being able to engage their children on a regular basis, or even having the chance to be the primary parent if it’s in the best interest of the children. Studies also show that non-primary parents who have a significant amount of visitation, are more likely to pay their child support, making it a win-win for all involved.

Kids First – Most parents will tell you that they are fighting for everything in the divorce for the benefit of the children. Whether true or not, it’s often the children that are overlooked while the legal battle is raging on. “Children are always affected by divorce … always! Some are able to express their fears and feelings openly while others keep it to themselves. When children reach the limits of their ability to cope with stress and circumstances out of their control, some act-out… behaving in a manner that can range from hyperactive to irritable, from aggressive to verbally nasty, from rage to passive aggressive, and from inattentive to self-absorbed… while others act-in… depression, lethargy, academic underachievement, crying, suicidal thoughts, loss of interest, loss of social relationships, and disturbances of sleep and nightmares. When their behaviors are too much or too little for too long, consider a chat with their pediatrician, a psychiatrist or a mental health specialist,” advises Greene. “When a child begins to act-out or act-in beyond a reasonable amount of time… say 2 to 4 weeks, then they may be in need of some professional assistance.”

Are any of these things easy?  Probably not, but your kids are definitely worth the effort!

Misty Weaver is a divorced mother of two who often vacations with her ex-husband and children. She can be reached at motherhoodmedia@aol.com