The Impact of Domestic Violence

Before a secret is told, one can feel the weight of it in the atmosphere - Susan Griffin

Secrets. Many of us grew up playing games around secrets. Do you as a parent remember chanting in the schoolyard to someone you wanted to exclude from your circle of friends, "I got a secret and I'm not going to tell you!" Perhaps you may have said to your child, harmlessly, "Come here, I want to tell you a secret." Yet, recently I heard a very well attuned Mom say to her four-year old son, "Matt, secrets are not good. Surprises can be fun, but secrets are never good." And I thought, how very right she is.

Sadly, many children live with a secret within their own families. Certainly it is no surprise that we live in a violent society and our children are exposed to this violence every day. Researchers tell us that children as young as age two and a half reflected violence in their play after the events of September 11.

Most parents have raised their voices, yelled at their children, even screamed at their spouses. Isn't conflict a part of all healthy families? When does it really affect the children? According to Mark Cummings, who has published extensively in this area, "children, even in their infancy, show reactions of their distresses when they are exposed to 'background anger,' defined as adults yelling and arguing."

"We yell so much at our house that the kids are used to it," said one mother. Quite the contrary, according to Cummings' research. He has demonstrated that "children as young as two will respond to conflict by attempting to distract, comfort or solve problems for the arguing parents." By the age of five or six, children will actively try to mediate problems.

Even very young children are aware of conflict in the home and this conflict does affect their behavior. Children react more strongly and will become more anxious and aggressive in this environment. A home life filled with background anger and verbal abuse is just one example of the kind of domestic violence to which children are exposed at increasingly alarming rates. While not as often publicized as physical aggression in the household, its affects can be just as detrimental, if not more so, to its victims.

Despite societal recognition, however, many families, especially middle to upper class families find it unacceptable to expose domestic violence. Many families will minimize what is occurring as a way of coping, "Oh, he is just tired from working," or "she just had a little too much to drink; it won't happen again." The destructive influence that a violent home environment can have on our children and how they perceive themselves has a direct impact on society's future and cannot be overlooked.

In order for the attitudes surrounding the secrecy to lose ground, the caregivers and responsible adults in each child's life need to see the seriousness of the problem and find ways to get help. Research done by the Child Witness to Violence Project of the Boston Medical Center tells us that often parents who cannot seek help for themselves will go public about domestic violence when children are in the home. Counselors and other human service professionals can help find constructive ways of handling domestic problems and dealing with violence within families. Some of the resources in the Berks and Lancaster county areas to help families learn how to resolve conflicts and interact in more loving ways are listed in the Human Services and Support Directory on the next page and at ParentsSource.com.

By Linda Kennedy Hassel, M.S.W., L.S.W., Executive Director, FairView Counseling

Click here for information on resources for domestic abuse victims

[Home Page] [From Scott & Sandie] [About Parents' Source] [Advertise in Parents' Source] [Articles] [Child Care, Preschools & Educational Resources] [Family Events Calendar] [Family Net - Internet Links] [Human Services & Support] [Just for Kids] [Kids' Source] [Medical Resources] [The Parenting Connection] [Talk to us - E-mail ParentsSource@ParentsSource.com]