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Sex and Kids: Can We Talk?

Forget that old image of the nervous TV sitcom parent having "the talk" about "the facts of life" with an embarrassed teenager. Sex education is more - much more. Sex education actually begins at birth, and we all continue to learn about sexuality throughout our lives.

At a young age, children become curious about their bodies. Toddlers and pre-schoolers are full of lots of fact-based questions which only call for simple answers. They like to check out different body parts and enjoy a naming game like "What's That?" Just make sure to use correct terms for all body parts.

Starting around age three, children develop an interest in where babies come from. They are generally satisfied with a simple answer: "The baby grows in a special place inside the mother." Use language you feel comfortable with, but be sure your words are not taken out of context. Referring to "planting a seed" might make them think a plant is growing, not a baby.

In elementary school, children usually enter the "silent years" regarding questions about sex. But don't be fooled - keep talking. Just because they don't ask you any questions doesn't mean they don't have any. Besides, telling them something once is not enough. They need to be told again and again, in different ways, as they get older.

The most burning question for pre-teens is, "Am I normal?" Because their bodies will undergo profound physical changes related to puberty, 9 - 12 year olds need lots of reassurance that what is happening to them is okay. In fact, some girls begin to menstruate before age 11, and boys' nocturnal emissions usually have begun by age 13. Given such a time frame, nine years old is not too young to begin talking about these changes. As your kids become teenagers, make sure to give them accurate information about abstinence, contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. If you need information, seek sources which are factual and honest.

Why you? Why should parents talk to their kids about sex and puberty? The sad truth is that each year nearly one million U.S. teens become pregnant, and one in four sexually active teens has a sexually-transmitted disease. Faced with troubling statistics like these, parents need to help their kids learn responsible decision making skills. To develop a lifetime of mental, emotional and physical health, they need to know the facts. They also need to understand the values of your own family.

Simply put, only you as parents can pass along to them your own personal values, and kids really do want to know what your values are. You can be sure that they are not exactly the same as those of many sources outside the home. Things they hear about sex from friends, TV, music, and magazines aren't always appropriate and are rarely realistic. If you don't talk with your children, they will find answers somewhere else.

If you feel reluctant or unprepared at any time, remember where and how you learned about sex and relationships. Then think about ways that you would like the experience to be different for your kids.

If you feel embarrassed or unsure, practice un-comfortable words or conversations before talking to your kids. Just for yourself, try to put into words your own attitudes about birth control and abstinence, the importance of protecting your kids' health, and the significance in a relationship of honesty, respect, maturity, commitment and love.

There is no "best" time to discuss sexual issues, but do talk throughout your children's lives, starting when they are toddlers. Events like births, marriages and divorce are natural starting points, as well as movies, TV shows, newspapers, magazines, radio and the internet.

If you start the dialogue early, you will set a pattern for the rest of your children's growing up years. And you will have a much greater chance of passing on your set of values. If you start early, your children will be less susceptible to peer pressure as adolescents and less likely to believe misinformation.

Use teachable moments instead of waiting for a child to ask a question. Stop whatever else you are doing and make eye contact when you are talking with your child. Have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Always be a good question answerer, clear, honest and patient. And be willing to answer the same question over and over, as often as your child wants.

It is important for young people to have accurate information, to feel good about themselves, and to have the skills necessary for responsible decision making. It is up to you, as a parent, to fit sexuality education into the framework of your own family values.

Don't worry about not knowing everything. You can say you will look up the answer, or you and your child can search for the answer together. Don't worry about being embarrassed. Most parents are. Your kids will respect you for acknowledging your discomfort with the subject. Because you care, you have already boosted your child's chances for having a healthy attitude about sexuality.

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