Children and Special Occasions -
Tips for Happier Celebrations and Events
Special events are the stuff of happy memories for most of us, but for
children, they mean a departure from routine and an avalanche of social
expectations in an unfamiliar setting full of strangers. In other words
-potential disaster. A full-blown dress rehearsal at home for important
occasions such as weddings, parties or formal dinners is worth the effort.
An hour before Cousin Emma walks down the aisle is not a good time to find
out that your son's suit pants ride up his bottom when he sits, the clip-on
tie bothers his throat, the dress socks are too tight and the shirt cuffs
are too short.
Being realistic about clothing is a good start to ensuring that your
child can enjoy a dress-up affair. "Real" ties that slip under
the collar will lie smoothly and allow the top button of the shirt to be
left open, short sleeved shirts are fine for your child and so are any kind
of socks that keep him comfortable - who's going to be looking at his feet
anyway?
Here are ten more tips that will help see your special child through
that special event:
1. Be honest about whether your child is ready to attend such an event.
If he truly can't keep all four legs of his chair on the floor, gets easily
overloaded in a room full of people and noise, still thinks a fork is for
combing hair and eats applesauce with his fingers, it may be kinder to all
involved to call in the sitter.
2. Visit the venue - restaurant, house of worship - beforehand to give
him a visual image.
3. Explain what will happen at the event, whether wedding, bar mitzvah,
grandparent's birthday or anniversary, or family reunion. What will she
be expected to do? Sit quietly during the service, sign a guest book, get
food from a buffet?
Don't assume that your child understands the significance of the event.
Children as young as two or three begin to understand the meaning of a birthday
- "one year older." But what is a graduation? An anniversary?
A "baby shower"? Take the time to provide a simple explanation.
Talk about how celebrations are occasions that mark different kinds of joyous
milestones of our lives. These events may look quite different through the
eyes of a child.
4. If possible, arrange seating where she will be able to see the event.
It is unrealistic to expect her to sit quietly while voices she may or may
not understand drone on somewhere beyond her immediate view, which is the
back of someone's head. However, if you think your child may not make it
through the entire thing, sit where you and she can slip out unobtrusively.
5. Preview the menu. If it is not appropriate for your child, ask the
hotel or restaurant for a special meal. Most are glad to do it. Offer to
pay separately. If special arrangements are not possible, bring something
for your child as inconspicuously as possible, or feed her beforehand so
she is not sitting around ravenously watching everyone else eat. When you've
done what you can, don't sweat it further. Holidays and events are so exciting
for children that many don't eat much anyway.
6. Teach him a simple introduction and, if he can tolerate it, a handshake.
7. Let him know there will be lots of people there, but he doesn't have
to hug or kiss anyone if he doesn't want to, especially strangers. Then
stay close to support him in this. "Josh prefers not to hug,"
delivered in a pleasant, unapologetic tone of voice is perfectly acceptable.
If you fear that this stance will offend affectionate Aunt Edith, please
let that be her problem, not your child's. Remember that today's children
are growing up in an age where they are taught to resist unwanted touch
from strangers. Your child may be too young to interpret the mixed message
that some unwanted touches from strangers are OK and some are not. Besides,
there are too many of us out there whose overriding memories of childhood
special events include being smothered by well-meaning cologne-marinated
relatives, male and female. Aunt Edith doesn't really want to be remembered
in that manner anyway, so declining that hug is a kindness to her as well
as to your child.
8. Give appropriate 15-, 10- and 5-minute warnings, then leave while
he's still having fun and the memories will be good. In other words, before
the too-much-party meltdown.
9. Having him tell the host "thank you for inviting me" before
leaving helps him put a nice closure on the event.
10. And finally, a word to the wise: never forget that many children
will call it just the way they see it - or the way they hear it from you.
Refrain from wondering aloud in the car on the way to the party if Uncle
Joe will over-imbibe as usual, unless you want to hear little Hannah check
in later with "I want to sit with Uncle Joe so I can see if he really
does drink like a fish!"
Ellen Notbohm is co-author of 1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising
Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders ( http://www.futurehorizons-autism.com/) and a columnist
for Autism Asperger's Digest. Her articles have appeared in Exceptional
Parent, Children's Voice, Language Magazine, numerous parenting magazines
and over 100 websites. Your comments are welcome at ellen@thirdvariation.com
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