Fathering in the New Millennium

By Todd Christophel, Coordinator, Lancaster County Fatherhood Initiative, Parents' Source, May 20, 2000

What will society require of men in the 21st Century? What should fatherhood look like? A man providing for his wife and children? A so-called "new father" who nurtures like a mother? A sperm donor who gets out of the way when conception has occurred? What do children need? Hopefully, what children truly need will be the same as what society requires.

Joe and Margaret have been married for 15 years. They have three children, Alex, 11, Chelsea, 10, and Reuben, 2. Joe works hard to support the family, while Margaret stays home with Reuben. She had been working full-time as a lab technician since Chelsea began preschool, but upon Reuben's birth, she decided to stay home to nurse and bond with her baby. Joe shares in many of the duties around the home: he watches Reuben while Margaret relaxes after dinner. He picks Alex and Chelsea up from their after-school activities on his way home from work. He does the yardwork, keeps the cars running, and motivates the children to do their part around the house: cleaning rooms, doing dishes, etc. Margaret handles other duties that can be done while Reuben is around all day. She thinks about working part-time in the evening, but she and Joe agree that they can get by on his income.

Most Americans would agree that this family seems healthy. The children are being cared for, the bills are being paid, the marriage is strong, and Mom and Dad complement each other. But what would happen if Joe left one day? Or he became controlling and abusive? What if Margaret decided she no longer loved him and moved out, taking the children with her? Sadly, these outcomes do occur in too many American families.

No family is perfect. Some "married, with children" families are dysfunctional. Some "single" fathers and mothers work very hard to be both "Mom" and "Dad", and the children do wonderfully. So why is the best parent two parents? Why is it so important that Dad stay intimately involved in the lives of his children? Let's look at the research.

When dad lives with his children and is positively involved in their lives playing with them, helping them with homework, empathizing with them when they are hurting, providing a steady income, etc. children benefit greatly. They are twice as likely to finish high school, less likely to end up in foster care or juvenile justice facilities, and three times more likely to postpone parenthood until they are adults.1 This study also shows that a father's presence contributes to a child's self-esteem, security, and aspirations in life.

However, when the biological father is not present in the children's lives, they have a lowered chance of success in life. Again, we must not deny that in some cases children from single- parent homes fare better than children of married parents. But if we look at the population as a whole, children with two loving parents will have better chances.

What is at the root of the father-absent child's lowered chances? Violence in the home can be identified as one cause, among many. "Of all cases of child abuse in which the perpetrator is known, fully one-quarter are cohabiting 'parent substitutes,' usually the mother's boyfriends a rate dramatically higher than the rates found among fathers."2

Childhood poverty also lowers a child's chances for success. Numerous studies confirm that fatherlessness contributes to child poverty.3

What steps can fathers, whether married to their children's mothers or not, take to develop or improve upon their fathering skills? In a brochure distributed by the National Fatherhood Initiative, the organization lists "10 Ways to Be A Better Dad". Among those not already mentioned:

Spend Time With Your Children. How a father spends his time tells his children what's important to him. Treasuring children often means sacrificing other things, but it is essential to spend time with your children.

Be a Role Model. A girl who spends time with a loving father grows up knowing she deserves to be treated with respect. Fathers can teach sons what is important in life by demonstrating honesty, humility, and responsibility.

Show Affection. Children need the security that comes from knowing they are wanted, accepted, and loved by their family. Showing affection every day is the best way to let your children know that you love them.

How else can you make a difference? Partner with the local fatherhood initiative in your area. The National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI), with whom the Lancaster County Fatherhood Initiative (LCFI) is affiliated, seeks to reduce the number of father-absent families. As we educate and encourage fathers to nurture and spend time with their children, the children will benefit. LCFI provides county dads with education, advocacy, and support; gives experienced fathers an opportunity to grow by mentoring less experienced fathers; and, perhaps most importantly, works on a local scale toward NFI's three goals:

1) Increasing the awareness of Americans that fathers make unique and irreplaceable contributions to the lives of their children.

2) Creating a culture that values and supports responsible fatherhood.

3) Disseminating community resource materials/information intended to encourage employers to institute father- friendly practices and to assist agencies, government entities, churches, etc. in developing father-friendly neighborhoods.

LCFI offers county dads support groups, case management on fathering issues, and educational seminars. The staff and advisory board work at outreach among fathers and various community organizations to spread the message that the most important thing a father can for his children is to be their dad. Those interested in furthering the efforts of LCFI may call the Coordinator, Todd Christophel, at (717) 431-1027, ext. 15 or e-mail at tchristophel@caplanc.org. To contact the National Fatherhood Initiative call, 1-800-790-DADS.

1 1993 "Kids Count" Survey. Anne E. Casey Foundation.

2 Sedlak, Andrea J. Supplementary Analyses of Data on the National Incidence of Child Abuse and Neglect (Rockville, Md.: Westat, August 30, 1991), table 6-2, p. 6-5; Blankenhorn, David. 1995. Fatherless America (New York: HarperCollins Publishers) p. 41.

3 U.S. Bureau of the Census, "Poverty in the United States: 1992," Current Population Reports, series P- 60, no. 185

How Strong Is Your Fathering?

Take this short fathering quiz. Place the number that best describes how likely you would be to do any of the following. Then total your score and check below to see how strong your fathering is.
6 Very likely	5 Likely	4 Somewhat likely	3 Somewhat unlikely	2 Unlikely	1 Very unlikely
1. Set clear, consistent limits with my children.
2. Express my anger appropriately.
3. Calmly give consequences to my child.
4. Model ways for my children to develop their spirituality.
5. Show my child how to budget and save their money.
6. Give sincere compliments to my children.
7. Play with my children.
8. Help my children with their homework.
9. Solve my problems without violence.
10. Frequently give my children hugs.
Total Score
50 and higher. Excellent. You are an accomplished dad! 31 ­ 49 points. Average. Still room for improvement. 30 points and lower. Your relationship with your children needs work.

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