Is Your Child A Quitter?

By Emily Oliver-Fields, Parents' Source, March 20, 2004.

Leah, who's 13, has taken and quit gymnastics, ballet, karate, and flute lessons. Now she wants to switch from French to Spanish in school, and is refusing to go to swim camp this summer because she wants to learn horseback riding instead. Her parents aren't sure what to do: should they allow Leah to follow her whims, changing interests almost as fast as she changes outfits, or should they pressure her to commit to something? While they respect her enthusiasm for exploring all that this exciting world has to offer, they worry that they're raising a quitter: someone with a short attention span and a low frustration threshold, and without enough resolve to achieve goals.

It has to be one of the most difficult dilemmas of parenting, especially during the late elementary and early adolescent years. We cringe at the thought of being one of those pushy, demanding parents we imagine, hectoring our children from the sidelines or over the piano bench. We don't expect our children to know what they want all the time, and we understand the need to experiment and try lots of different things. At the same time, most of us have learned over the course of our own lives that persistence really does pay off, and that mastering a skill or developing a talent is one of life's richest rewards. It's difficult to watch a child flit from activity to activity, never resting long enough to really learn what a sport or instrument or hobby can offer. We worry, too, that the quitting habit will last into college and adulthood, and set the child up for a lifetime of dissatisfaction and unreached goals.

So, what do we do when we feel we've let the child's life-as-buffet table attitude go too far, with turning into ogres? Psychologists and coaches suggest we get to the heart of the matter first, then work out a plan with the child:

1. Find out why. First, it's important to find out why the child wants to quit an activity, in his or her own words. Perhaps there's a real and legitimate problem that can be solved: maybe a different, more dynamic piano teacher will make lessons more bearable; maybe a talk with the coach about more time on the field will help. Maybe your child is just feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, a frequent possibility in these over-scheduled times. In any case, this conversation will help you understand your child's perspective, and help her to understand yours.

2. Explain benefits of persistence. If the child simply isn't enjoying the activity any more, consider with your child the possibility that this is just a bad season, or that the skill has hit a temporary plateau and that things will improve in the future. Remind him or her how fun it once was, and how that can happen again. Be careful not to take the "you made your bed, now lie in it" stance: this teaches your child that an interest or passion is equivalent to a prison sentence, and that you have little respect for her feelings. Instead, work on helping your child take a longer view - which is usually easier for an adult than a child.

3. Play for time. Can the child finish the season, or give the cello just one more month? Your child can understand that big decisions take thinking through, especially once time and resources have already been invested. And the extra time might be enough to get through the rough spot.

4. Above all, Negotiate. This is the most important step: negotiating - stating your case, listening to your child's, making offers, going back and forth - models for your child what he or she will need to do, internally, as she faces similar dilemmas throughout life. How well she understands her own needs and desires, and how intelligently she can weigh her options and foresee consequences, will determine how she handles choosing whether to change majors, whether to quit a job or take a new one, or deciding to marry.

In the end, avoid thinking of your child as a "quitter" or labeling her as such. Realize instead that the process of learning to figure out where her talents and passions truly lie is a lifelong task. You will be most helpful if you teach your child how to make her own decisions, instead of making them for her.

Emily Oliver-Fields is a writer and mother of two sons, and has published in numerous parenting magazines. She lives in upstate New York.

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