G.I.V.E. Get Involved, Volunteer in Education

Creating Caring Relationships

This is the second article in a six part series on the virtues of Building Assets by Rachel M. Loeper, Parents' Source, November 20, 2001.

"Whoever you are, there is someone younger than you who thinks you are perfect...There is someone who would miss you if you were gone. There is a space that you alone can fill." - Jacob Brande.

How many kids have you hugged today? In order to grow up happy and healthy, all children need to be surrounded by support, care, and love from their parents and other adults, their school, and the communities of which they are a part. Anyone who spends time with children can love, care for, encourage, and affirm them.

Search Institute, a research organization in Minneapolis, MN, has identified 40 relationships, skills, and opportunities, called "The Developmental Assets", that young people need to succeed. Many of these assets emphasize the importance of creating caring relationships.

Did you know?

Only 26 percent of youth surveyed reported experiencing positive family communication. Shockingly, a survey of parents reported that 73 percent of them thought it was important to have meaningful conversations with young people, but only 37 percent of them did so.

A study by Big Brothers/Big Sisters in 1995 found that young people with mentors are 46 percent less likely to start using illegal drugs, 27 percent less likely to start using alcohol, and 53 percent less likely to skip school. However, Search found that during eighth and ninth grade, only 39 percent of students report having relationships with mentors or other adults.

How can we change that???

• Make a family scrapbook or time capsule to help your children feel comforted by firm roots and a strengthened sense of the "Family Support" Asset.
• Attempt constructive conversations and you will be promoting the "Positive Family Communication" Asset. When talking, avoid "you statements" such as "You never listen to me" or "You never told me where you were going." Try "I statements" like "I guess I haven't done a very good job of explaining myself to you" and "I don't remember you mentioning you were going to Joe's."
• Always ask questions until you begin to see your child's side of things, and don't stop there. When you begin to understand their perspective, stop and listen.
• If you talk with your children when they are young, you will be likely to continue the practice. Talk to young children every night before bed, and before you know it, your teenager will be knocking on your door for a goodnight chat after an evening out with her friends.
• Remember that you are not alone. Encourage your child's relationships with other adults, educators, and caregivers, and you will be nourishing the "Other Adult Relationships" Asset.
• Attend children's school programs, recitals, and sports events. Try to open yourself up to seeing the activity the way the child does and you will be encouraging his "Other Adult Relationships" Asset, as well as the "Community Values Youth" Asset.
• Make a "Homework Help List" and ask the adults in your neighborhood to write down their area of expertise. Distribute this list to children and teens in the neighborhood so that when they need help with a science fair project or a bake sale, they know whom to call and they will be confident in the "Caring Neighborhoods" Asset.
• Another way to cultivate caring neighborhoods is to invite a different family to dinner each month. Or invite your children's friends and their families for a progressive dinner (appetizers at your house, salad at another friend's house, the main course at third friend's house, and dessert somewhere else).
• Be a mentor. Find one child with an interest in your career, and take her to work for a day. Ask her about her interests and dreams. You will not only be giving her confidence in her relationships with adults, but also the "Adult Role Models" Asset.
• Look for stimulating environments and caring attitudes at the childcare center or school your child attends. Donate toys, costumes, art supplies, party plates and cups, instruments, or other items. Make sure the environment offers the best home-away-from-home that you can give him, and you will also be giving him the "Caring School Climate" and the "Parent Involvement in Schooling" Assets. Think for a moment about your greatest supporters. How did they shape the paths you chose? What made them a significant part of your life? What could you do for or with young people that would honor the way your supporter made a difference in your own life? Discuss your answers with young people.

Food For Thought: (Discuss these questions with some young people with whom you are interested in building a relationship.) 1. Do you feel loved and supported by your family? 2. Do your parents communicate positively? 3. Do you go to your parents for advice with a difficult decision? 4. Do you feel cared for by adults other than your parents? 5. Do you know and like your neighbors? 6. Do you feel encouraged and cared for at school? 7. Are your parents involved in helping you succeed in school?

If they answer "no", ask them why, and listen sincerely to their answers. Remember, you don't have to be with them every second in order to ensure that they feel supported in all these different areas. Communication is key; children are more than willing to tell us what they need, where they don't feel loved. We just have to be paying attention long enough to hear them. Article submitted by Rachel M. Loeper of the Healthy Communities/Healthy Youth Initiative at United Way of Berks County, P.O. Box 702, 501 Washington St. Reading, PA 19603-0702. For more information, contact Sharon Mast at the United Way, 610-685-4574, or visit their website at www.uwberks.org

For a complete list of the 40 assets, click here. This article was submitted by Rachel Loeper of the Healthy Communities/Healthy Youth Initiative at United Way of Berks County. For more information on the 40 assets and the local HCHY initiative, contact Sharon Mast at the United Way, 610-685-4574 or sharonm@uwberks.org

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