As Tempers Flare: Anger Management for Children
By Henry Renn, Parents' Source, November, 20, 2001.
"I hate you! You're not my real mother!" Brandon screamed
as he proceeded to stomp on his Legos. "I hate this dumb piano. I never
want to play it again, ever!" Jennifer shouted as her parents looked
at each other with puzzled expressions. After a temper outburst at a family
reunion, Kevin's aunt remarked, "Boy, has he ever got the (fill in
the family name) temper. His father was the same way as a boy." Many
of you have witnessed or experienced scenes like these. Perhaps you are
a parent concerned about a child who displays anger very quickly or inappropriately.
Do you struggle with your own anger? Angry feelings are natural and normal.
Anger can be the expression of many things. A few of these include frustration
with self or others, confusion, being upset over a situation unrelated to
the outburst, being bullied or teased, jealousy, insecurity, and fears.
Children who are still developing language skills may be frustrated at the
inability of the parent to understand them.
Is anger inherited or instilled? Many studies have been conducted concerning
the question of inherited temperament traits such as anger, as well as the
effect which environment and parenting have on a child's behavior and emotions.
You need not be a social scientist to observe how temperament is passed
onto us from our ancestors. Studies of twins and siblings separated at birth
and at very early ages strongly point to a link between inherited temperament
and behavior.
The environment in which a child is raised is equally as important as
heredity. A home where there is a lot of anger will have a negative effect
on children. The kind of example you set for your child regarding anger
regulation and expression is important, especially if there is a familiar
pattern of anger dyscontrol. Parents who do not use appropriate means of
expressing their anger or deny that they feel anger will teach these behavior
choices to their children.
Parents, by example, teach two life skills; self-regulating of anger
and appropriate expression of anger. Here are a few ways you can help your
child.
- When expressing anger, make "I" statements such as "I"
felt angry today when I found jelly on the computer." "I"
statements teach ownership of emotions. Children learn more from what they
observe than from what is said.
- Deal with adults issues away from the children. Give them the safety
of a boundary around your disputes. When you have a strong disagreement
with your spouse or another adult, don't shout or use words meant to hurt.
- Assure your child that it is okay to feel angry. Set an example by
expressing anger you feel about a child's behavior in a safe way. Don't
attack the child's character. Deal with the behavior. Children are neither
stupid nor worthless because they displease us. If you discipline in anger
and with hurtful words, your child will learn those methods of handling
anger. Deal with your child's anger as calmly as you can.
- Teach your child appropriate ways to deal with anger. Encourage her
to use "I" statements and her own words, rather than inappropriate
words and means of expressing anger. Other forms of expression include
drawing, writing, or working with Play-Doh, to name a few. For a physical
release try large muscle exercise such as biking or soccer. Spend a few
minutes in this activity with the child if needed. Try to avoid violent
release, such as punching things. While this type of outlet wouldn't be
harmful to many kids, it could have the potential for encouraging violent
behavior in some.
- Encourage your child to solve his problem. You can offer suggestions
and encourage him to ask other adults
 you trust for
suggestions. Please speak to these adults before your child does. You will
teach competence and responsibility.
- If a child's behavior around anger is setting a troubling pattern,
seek the advice of a school counselor or another professional who works
with children. Taking the time to check things out is a small price to
pay for a child's emotional health. Enroll in a parenting class such as
Active Parenting (offered by COBY'S family Services) to learn helpful skills
to use with your child around emotions and expression. Above all, remember
that parents are the most important book a child will ever read!
Henry Renn has a Master Degree in Marital and Family Therapy and is
a Coordinator of Counseling Services and Therapist at COBY'S Family Services
in Leola.
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