As Tempers Flare: Anger Management for Children

By Henry Renn, Parents' Source, November, 20, 2001.

"I hate you! You're not my real mother!" Brandon screamed as he proceeded to stomp on his Legos. "I hate this dumb piano. I never want to play it again, ever!" Jennifer shouted as her parents looked at each other with puzzled expressions. After a temper outburst at a family reunion, Kevin's aunt remarked, "Boy, has he ever got the (fill in the family name) temper. His father was the same way as a boy." Many of you have witnessed or experienced scenes like these. Perhaps you are a parent concerned about a child who displays anger very quickly or inappropriately.

Do you struggle with your own anger? Angry feelings are natural and normal. Anger can be the expression of many things. A few of these include frustration with self or others, confusion, being upset over a situation unrelated to the outburst, being bullied or teased, jealousy, insecurity, and fears. Children who are still developing language skills may be frustrated at the inability of the parent to understand them.

Is anger inherited or instilled? Many studies have been conducted concerning the question of inherited temperament traits such as anger, as well as the effect which environment and parenting have on a child's behavior and emotions. You need not be a social scientist to observe how temperament is passed onto us from our ancestors. Studies of twins and siblings separated at birth and at very early ages strongly point to a link between inherited temperament and behavior.

The environment in which a child is raised is equally as important as heredity. A home where there is a lot of anger will have a negative effect on children. The kind of example you set for your child regarding anger regulation and expression is important, especially if there is a familiar pattern of anger dyscontrol. Parents who do not use appropriate means of expressing their anger or deny that they feel anger will teach these behavior choices to their children.

Parents, by example, teach two life skills; self-regulating of anger and appropriate expression of anger. Here are a few ways you can help your child.

1. When expressing anger, make "I" statements such as "I" felt angry today when I found jelly on the computer." "I" statements teach ownership of emotions. Children learn more from what they observe than from what is said.
2. Deal with adults issues away from the children. Give them the safety of a boundary around your disputes. When you have a strong disagreement with your spouse or another adult, don't shout or use words meant to hurt.
3. Assure your child that it is okay to feel angry. Set an example by expressing anger you feel about a child's behavior in a safe way. Don't attack the child's character. Deal with the behavior. Children are neither stupid nor worthless because they displease us. If you discipline in anger and with hurtful words, your child will learn those methods of handling anger. Deal with your child's anger as calmly as you can.
4. Teach your child appropriate ways to deal with anger. Encourage her to use "I" statements and her own words, rather than inappropriate words and means of expressing anger. Other forms of expression include drawing, writing, or working with Play-Doh, to name a few. For a physical release try large muscle exercise such as biking or soccer. Spend a few minutes in this activity with the child if needed. Try to avoid violent release, such as punching things. While this type of outlet wouldn't be harmful to many kids, it could have the potential for encouraging violent behavior in some.
5. Encourage your child to solve his problem. You can offer suggestions and encourage him to ask other adults you trust for suggestions. Please speak to these adults before your child does. You will teach competence and responsibility.
6. If a child's behavior around anger is setting a troubling pattern, seek the advice of a school counselor or another professional who works with children. Taking the time to check things out is a small price to pay for a child's emotional health. Enroll in a parenting class such as Active Parenting (offered by COBY'S family Services) to learn helpful skills to use with your child around emotions and expression. Above all, remember that parents are the most important book a child will ever read!

Henry Renn has a Master Degree in Marital and Family Therapy and is a Coordinator of Counseling Services and Therapist at COBY'S Family Services in Leola.

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