G.I.V.E. for Kids: Healthy Mind, Healthy Body

Making Sense of Sadness -
Helping Your Child Cope With Grief

by Linda Kennedy Hassel, Parents' Source, January 20, 2004

Grief is a subject we would like to label "Adults Only". As parents, we want to surround our children with a loving, protective spirit. Consequently, it is only natural to try to shield them from pain, especially the intense pain associated with the death of someone they love.

In our western culture, death has become taboo. Adults have gone to great lengths to deny the existence of "it", the big "D". When we are unable to confront our own fears about death and make peace with our own issues, how can we possibly help our children? When "it" does occur, we tend to use euphemisms to explain what happened, "John passed on", or "She lost her mother", are statements commonly heard. Somewhere along the way we have become a culture that tries to dismiss death and the grief process as a natural part of the life cycle.

All civilizations create myths to address human problems. These myths have been handed to us by our parents and we, in turn, have passed them on to our children. According to Maria Trozzi in "Talking With Children About Loss", our culture has established these mythical beliefs that foster our inability to acknowledge the significance of our children's losses:

1) Death is not part of living, 2) Children don't mourn and 3) We can protect children by shielding them from loss. Nothing can be further from the truth!

Of the many ways of talking with children about death, one surely doomed to failure is an attempt to ignore it. We tend to delude ourselves with statements like "He is too young to understand" or "Kids are resilient, he'll get over it". As a result, children have become our society's "forgotten mourners". If you are old enough to love, you are old enough to grieve! Grieving is as natural as sleeping when you are tired or eating when you are hungry. It is nature's way of healing a broken heart. Yet it is a neglected and misunderstood process.

As a therapist who works with adults, countless times the client and I discover that what really brought them into therapy for treatment of depression or relationship issues were unresolved grief issues from their childhood. Perhaps it was their father's death, a brother's suicide, the untimely death of a school friend in an automobile accident. Yet they were never allowed to grieve! Perhaps they were never allowed to experience real sadness. Consequently resentment builds, anger follows, and abuse, fear, drugs or alcohol may become a substitute for a healthy satisfying life.

"So how can we begin to talk to our children about death?" is a question many parents ask. The following are some answers to commonly asked questions.

1. When should I talk to my child about death? Talk early and often about death as a part of living. Don't wait for the big "tell all" as if you are having the "big talk" about sex or drugs. When a pet dies, this provides you with an opportunity to talk to your child. Allow him to be sad, to cry, and to see you be sad too. Burying the pet and having a little graveside service will teach your child about the reverence of life. Don't rush out and buy another pet to make your child instantly "feel better". This sends an early message that life is replaceable. When a flower dies, you can use the life cycle of flowers to explain death. "A flower lives and grows and then dies. This is what happens with all living things," is something you might say to your child. Reading a book such as "Charlotte's Web" or "The Lion King" together can also open the door for a discussion.
2. What do I say when a family member or friend dies? Tell your child immediately. Be gentle and loving. Use simple, honest words. Sit down with him someplace quiet, hold him in your arms and tell him. Don't be afraid to say "died". Start with "something very sad has happened. Daddy has died. He will not be with us any more because he has stopped living. We loved him very, very much and we know he loved us too. We are going to miss him very, very much". Your tone of voice and eye contact are very important. Go on to tell your child how the person died. "You know Daddy was sick a very, very, very long time". Using the word "very" multiple times may take away the anxiety they may feel when they have a simple cold. The child may think "If I am sick, I'll die too", or "Mom has a headache, she may die".
3. What do I say when my child asks "Why?" You might begin by saying, "You know, I've asked myself the same thing". It is OK to admit you do not have all the answers. A common response parents and grandparents give is "God needed another angel in Heaven". This can be trouble. The child may think, "If I am good, God may take me too!" Assure the child it is not their fault.
4. Is it OK for my child to see me cry? All children need to learn how to grieve and the best way to learn is through watching adult behavior. Telling a child to "keep a stiff upper lip" is unfair, as it sets the child up for unresolved grief. This can lead to antisocial behavior, such as inappropriate rage, vandalism, fire setting, substance abuse, and emotional disorders leading to withdrawal, depression, and even suicide.
5. I am surprised at my daughter's reaction after she heard about the death of her Grandfather. What is going on? Often parents can become confused with a child's behavior after they are told the tragic news regarding the death of a family member or friend. "How can Michael be outside playing?", or "Alicia wanted to go to the dance after she heard the news". Perhaps this is nature's way to absorb the tragedy in small doses. While we may think it is an unusual way, it is, nonetheless, a way. Our position is not to judge, but rather to be loving and supportive.

Lastly, it is important to inform your children's teacher of a death in the family or that of a close friend. An insightful teacher may recognize problems that may not be showing up at home, and can refer the child to the school guidance counselor. A counselor is a vital link between the school and assisting the child in professional help.

Often we need to let our children teach us about grief by following their lead and picking up on little clues. Indeed it is sometimes difficult for some adults to understand that a child, innocent of life experiences, can be wiser than an adult who is consumed by life's burdens. Children have a way of keeping it simple. By providing love and understanding, you can be a helping, healing adult. This is the most precious gift you can give them.

Linda Kennedy Hassel, M.S.W., L.S.W., is executive Director and staff Therapist for Fairview Counseling at 610-396-9091.

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